The disease of addiction causes insane thinking. For years, I've known better. I've known that smoking crack and meth feel good, but bring a world of consequences that I do not want in my life. Sometimes I still used anyways, despite those unwanted negative consequences and just didn't care, and other times I did care but thought this time something would be different (Albert Einsteins definition of insanity is to repeat the same thing over and over expecting different results) in both of these cases, my thinking was insane.
Last summer, I had reached a toxic level of insanity when I began to think I was noticing an oddly large number of Russian people in Scottsdale. Everywhere I went it seemed I was constantly hearing people speak in Russian. My delusional thinking expanded (actually whatever word is used to illustrate when bacteria multiply would be better here, I just can't think of it) and I started thinking they were all watching me, more and more people flying to Scottsdale Arizona from Russia just to see the stereotypical meth addict do his thing. Totally insane, I know, but it was very real in my head. I was doing a lot of shoplifting at the time, and do remember making a grossly large number of careless mistakes, but I just wasn't getting caught. Hmm, "maybe the Russians are paying off the stores and deferring the police for this research study they are doing on me"....wow. thinking back on things now, I have no idea if there were any actual Russians around, maybe there were, maybe my delusional mind overheard one family of tourists and blew things way out of proportion. I will never know the truth. But one thing I do know, is I am incredibly glad I do not have to live like that anymore. My program offers me a choice every day and a daily reprieve from this level of insanity. I do still have insane thoughts, but they manifest in different ways and I learn how to nip them in the bud, and not let them control my actions or behaviors. Usually with the help of other addicts in recovery.
Today I am grateful for my program, my daily repreive. I am grateful that I don't have to let insane and delusional thinking run my life and dictate my behaviors. Life is so much better than it was.
And remember in Soviet Russia....drugs do YOU!
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